The Perils of a Law-Abiding Life

At about 10:30 last night, I was cursing the fact that I have spent my life in a law-abiding way.  I considered the fact that, perhaps, if I had been somewhat less law-abiding, I might have *some* idea how to go about getting marijuana in the middle of the night.  Yes, that is how desperate I was to find something, anything, that might help with the pain.  I might have even suggested to my husband, who was trying to sleep (and the sound of whose breathing seemed to be exacerbating my pain), that he go find me some.  In retrospect, it's probably a good thing he didn't try.  For one thing, I'm not sure he has any idea how to go about such a thing any more than I do.

I don't actually know for a fact that the marijuana would have helped but I have read a number of articles and heard from a number of fellow fibromyalgia sufferers that indicate that it's actually the best thing out there for fibro pain. It's definitely something that I'm willing to try, especially given that I live in a state where medical marijuana is legal.  That being said, however, I have to admit to having no idea how to go about getting it. Do I ask my regular doctor about it?  My rheumatologist?  Do I skip those and see about getting an appointment at the local "evaluation center" place I found when doing a search online this morning?

I'm sure that the last option would probably be the fastest.  I don't currently have an appointment with my regular doctor scheduled until August.  My next appointment with my rheumatologist isn't until the end of April. I have my doubts about whether or not either of them actually provides the necessary documentation. I'm betting I could call the marijuana doctor and get in pretty quickly.  Of course, that's just a guess on my part, based on an article I read earlier today. Hmm.  Turns out I can get an appointment pretty much any time today, between 11:30 am and 6:30 pm.  I'm thinking that might be the way to go.  This "evaluation center" has a number of positive reviews on Yelp and the price for an appointment for a new patient ($55) is very appealing.  Plus, they offer a new patient coupon for $5 off and 50% off your ID card.  I'm wondering if I should go ahead and bite the bullet?

On the one hand, I've never been one to do drugs.  I've smoked pot all of twice in my life - once at a grad school party and one time with my roommate and her boyfriend after I graduated.  I probably had a couple of tokes each time so it's not really like I have a vast experience upon which to draw.  On the other hand, is it really any different than taking an opioid-based pain pill?  Or two, because, like last night, the first one did absolutely nothing to relieve the pain? Last night, all I wanted was something that would relieve the pain enough to let me sleep.  Is my thinking today colored by the memory of last night's pain and my current pain levels and fatigue?  Probably.  Does that matter?  I don't know.

Since I have lived such a law-abiding life and have no experience with things like this, I also have no idea of how much it costs.  And since I'm pretty sure that my insurance doesn't cover it, even if it's "prescribed", I wonder and worry about how much it would cost. After just doing a quick check in with my husband by text, it appears that cost is his concern as well.  He also seemed surprised that I was really interested in pursuing this.  I'm guessing that's the opinion of many people who don't suffer from chronic, on-going pain while anyone who does probably gets immediately that there are times you'd willingly resort to just about anything to make it stop, even for a short amount of time. Right now, my pain levels are high enough that it seems like an idea worth pursuing.

Anyone have any experience with this issue?  I'd welcome any thoughts and feedback on the issue.

Birthday Eve Reflections

Tomorrow is my birthday and I find myself in a reflective mood. For the first time in, I think, forever, I actually feel my age.  Normally, I have to stop to think about how old I am and it constantly catches me by surprise.  I mean, how did I get this *old*? Wasn't I just graduating high school yesterday? Figuring out a major in college? Getting my first real job?  How have so many years passed by since those events?

I know that a big part of it is in my head right now.  It's not in a good place.  I went and picked up the paperwork for HR that I'd asked my rheumatologist to fill out.  I guess I didn't do a good job of explaining what, exactly, it was that I needed and what the purpose of that questionnaire was.  I'm sure he probably thought he was doing me a favor by, in essence, saying that I was just fine and capable of doing my job, as far as he knew.  But what he really did was throw me under the bus.

I mean, he's the one who diagnosed me with fibro in the first place and now he's trying to say that it has no impact on my life? I need to have medical documentation that I've been diagnosed with a chronic condition that does, in fact, have the possibility of impacting my daily life.

To add to this, it took over an hour and a half to get home from his office due to absolutely insane traffic.  Everywhere.  So I'm trying to get myself and my son home, dealing with this bombshell (of course, he's not there on Fridays, he filled it out after my appointment yesterday) and trying not to give in to the mounting panic attack and we're just not getting anywhere.  On surface streets.  Not only was traffic not moving but then it turned out the road I was on ended up being closed so I had to detour a different way.  With the traffic on the street it took me to at a complete standstill.  All I can say is that it was a truly horrific journey.  We had picked up a special dinner to enjoy at home, something I'd been looking forward to for days, and by the time we finally made it home I could hardly make myself eat anything. All in all, not a trip I care to repeat.  Ever.

I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this problem this weekend so I am going to try to make it through the next two days without thinking about (okay, dwelling on) it. I want to go and have a good time and enjoy my birthday tomorrow, doing some walking at the 100 Mile Club Run4Kids. The 100 Mile Club is a great organization and we've been looking forward to this event for weeks now. For us, the fact that it was falling on my birthday just adds to the excitement. I'm hoping to see some friends there and to spend time walking with my husband and son, enjoying what should be a beautiful Southern California day.

I had really intended to do more reflecting on the past year rather than just the events of today but those few hours were so incredibly stressful that I guess they just overshadowed everything temporarily. I'll spend time tomorrow reflecting on my 51st year of life as I mark the first day of the 52nd. Then I'll hopefully spend some time putting those thoughts down. And maybe, just maybe, when I do I'll feel 20 years younger instead of 20 years older.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I was all ready to write a post this weekend titled "Mother Nature is an Evil, Fickle Bitch" but when I told my son that he should ignore the post I was going to write, he informed me that perhaps if it was TMI for him, I should just not write it.  So I didn't.  I still, however, maintain that Mother Nature is an evil, fickle bitch.  She teases you along, making you think you're done with certain female occurrances and then WHAM! Hits you out of the blue after six months.  Evil.  Definitely evil.

In any case, the horrid week long flare that I was in ended right before Mother Nature decided to sideswipe me (leaving me to wonder, of course, if that horrid flare was in any way related) and I actually had a couple of good days in there.  Followed by a couple of typical female type normal pain days.  Yay for that!

The weather also took a dramatic turn over the weekend, turning unseasonably hot, which might have also factored in to the lessening pain.  My rheumatologist practically promised me at my last visit that my pain levels would decrease as the weather improved.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he's right.  I will say, that I am feeling downright chipper and have had two reasonably good days in a row.

In fact, yesterday was limited to a little minor lower back pain in the early afternoon and a headache that came on as I was going to bed.  I still had the headache this morning but it responded to pain medication, which I took as soon as I got to work.  I had a lot on my schedule for today and managed to sail through with no issues, getting everything accomplished and not even getting stressed out about all I had to do, including organizing and running a major meeting.  It's so nice to be able to post about having a few good days and feeling successful for a change.

 Maybe it's the luck of the Irish!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this run of feeling good will continue for a few more days, at least.  I don't want to jinx it!  I have a couple more things this week that I need to get through, including an appointment with my rheumatologist to have him fill out a medical questionnaire for HR at work.  This is what they will use as documentation in order to provide any "accommodations" due to my condition at work.  They finally came and did the ergonomic assessment of my office and other work area yesterday and that went fairly well.  He had some suggestions to make for how to arrange things, recommended that they get me a foot rest (once he had my chair adjusted how he wanted it, my feet were not able to be placed flat on the floor - short legs, you know!) and when I mentioned that my boss had offered to buy me a new chair, he said he would include that in the report as a recommendation.

It's not really that I feel like I need much in the way of accommodations.  And if my boss hadn't initiated the whole thing by taking it to HR in the first place, I probably wouldn't think to ask for anything.  But since she did, I'm thinking of things that can make accomplishing my work easier and less stressful.  Mainly little things like being able to flex my schedule a bit to accommodate bad days by leaving a little earlier and then staying later on a different day.  Not having to work nights (I don't currently work a night but I have in the past). Not having to teach a credit class (both stress and time on my feet). Not having to stand for more than 75 minutes (the length of the workshops I teach). Having desk shifts and workshops scheduled earlier in the day rather than later.  Generally, it's all pretty minor stuff in the scheme of things. We'll see what the doctor says.

I'm hoping for a good weekend since my birthday is on Saturday. I'd really like to be able to enjoy the day with a minimal amount of pain! If everything goes according to plan, the family will be participating in the 100 Mile Club Run4Kids event. It's local to us and supports a great organization that encourages kids to get out and run and be active. They track their mileage at different events and school activities, with the goal of getting to 100 miles. Saturday should be fun and I'm hoping for good weather and low pain levels!

I hope Lucky the Leprechaun has dropped by and delivered a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for each of you!

Trapped

Right now, I feel like I'm trapped in an unending cycle of pain.  This one has been going on for a solid week now and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  Will it ever end? I'm ready for a little relief.  Please.

I've been having to double up on pain medication and, even then, it doesn't make the pain go away, it just kind of pushes it to the background.  But within a couple of hours (right now, I'm at about 3.5 hours in from when I took first pain pill, 2.5 hours since I added second), even that begins to fail as the pain pushes its way to the forefront once again.  My ability to accomplish anything or focus on anything is practically non-existent.

I hate this.  And I know that there are others who are far worse off than I am.  But that doesn't seem to help and I still find myself sinking down into the abyss.  Any kind of external stimulation - light, sound, smell - is heightened and quickly becomes overwhelming. I completely feel like I should be able to overcome this but today, it's getting me down and making me feel defeated.  I am digging deep today to try to find hope, that thing with feathers that perches in your soul.  Right now, it feels like it has taken flight and abandoned me for the moment.

I used to feel younger than I am. Right now, I feel decades older.  I do not like this.  I do not like anything about this. I want answers that don't exist.  I want to know why.  Why me?  Why any of us? Why does God allow disease and suffering? Do I really need this to "strengthen my character"? Because if that's it, I'll gladly settle for having a weak one.

Wicked

Today's blog title has nothing to do with the musical about witches from Oz and everything to do with my mood.  As in Wicked Bad.  To make it even worse (both my mood and the situation), I don't know why I'm in such a foul mood.  I can only attest, as can my husband and son, that it is so.

I suppose the fact that I have hurt for four straight days might be a factor.  That just usually makes me tired and depressed, though.  It doesn't usually have me wanting to bite the head off of every living creature in the vacinity or snarling at tv commercials.  It's not like those commercials suddenly became inane and annoying today, after all.  It did seem, however, that every single one that I hate was being played one right after the other.  So much so that I ran away from the tv to the sanctity of my bedroom.  Where one of the puppies is currently annoying the bejesus out of me by licking my husband's pillow.

I suppose the fact that I have been running some mysterious low-grade fever for the past three days (anywhere from 99.5 - 100.1) could be a factor as well.  Again, I have no idea why I'm running this fever.  I don't appear to have any other signs of illness (other than still blowing my nose dozens of times a day, either leftover from the cold my son gave me or allergies, but it's all clear with no signs of infection) besides the fever. I do, however, absolutely hate running a fever.  I mean, our bodies just don't do that for no reason, right?  So is it part of the fibro or is it something else?  All I know is that it's been my constant companion since late Thursday night.

I have gotten practically zilch done in the past four days.  Thursday was a day when I hurt so bad I had to double up on pain meds for any relief at all and definitely didn't make it to work.  I did manage to take a shower on Friday and then had to rest for half an hour afterwards before taking my son to a friend's house for the day.  A trip to Costco rounded out that day and I was definitely done after that. I think there might have been a 3-4 hour nap involved that day as well.  I know there was at least a four hour nap, maybe more yesterday.

I did force myself to do our taxes today. While I would truly love to blame my mood on this, I must admit that it was already bad before I undertook that endeavor.  I just hope we don't get audited because I was in no mood to double and triple check everything like I usually do.  I'm counting on TurboTax to have caught any errors and it's reassurance that my risk of audit is "low". Now, if the IRS will just process my refund in a quick and efficient manner and deposit it in my checking account, I would greatly appreciate it.

Tomorrow brings Monday around with it once again.  I really can't afford to miss work yet again. So, body, I would appreciate the following for the morning, please: 1) low, manageable (preferably without pain medication) pain levels; 2) no more freakin' fever of any temperature, low-grade or otherwise; and 3) a definite improvement in my mood.  Universe, if you could work with my body on these items, I would appreciate it greatly.  Thank you.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you

Since my son didn't have school today, I knew I could take a little extra time this morning. After I got dressed for work, I headed downstairs to feed the puppies and make my coffee.  This is pretty much my daily routine, varying only in what I decide to put on my body for clothes.  I sat down with my coffee, thinking I'd take just a few minutes to relax before heading in to work.  I knew that I could take a few extra minutes for myself since I didn't have to do a drop off at the high school.

As I sat there with my coffee, however, it slowly dawned on me.  The reason my breathing was all funky was because of pain.  I tend to do this thing where I hold my breath in for longer when I hurt.  It's not a conscious thing on my part, it just seems to happen.  It wasn't like I was having sharp pain in any one spot.  No, this was just kind of a pervasive ache throughout my entire body.  I have no idea where it came from.  If you'd asked me when I got up this morning, I would have said that I was just typically morning stiff.

I assessed the situation for about ten minutes or so.  Things were not getting better and I kept noticing more aching and pains.  I decided I'd take a pain pill, call in to work and say that I was having some issues but I was hoping I'd be in later.  Luckily, I had no commitments at work today that would cause any problems if I wasn't there.  Unfortunately, it felt like that pain pill did nothing.  It certainly did not alleviate the ache that seemed to be making my whole body throb.  Maybe I'm lucky because that really doesn't happen to me very often.  Usually when I take a pain pill, it starts to kick in within about 5 minutes and my pain levels diminish.

Six hours later, I took another pill.  Again, it didn't really seem to have an effect on my pain levels.  This time, however, I decided to try to double-team the pain.  So I took another pill after 3 hours, knowing that although the bottle says one pill every six hours, my rheumatologist said that I could actually do 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours.  At that point I finally got some relief from the constant ache that was spread throughout my entire body. Although it didn't do anything about the wide spread itching I was (and am still) experiencing.

Oh, the joys that fibromyalgia brings! The never knowing what the day - or even the hour - is going to bring. The things that make no sense, even to us, let alone outsiders.  Things like the complete and utter exhaustion I experienced on Tuesday.  Or the not knowing if it was that exhaustion or something else entirely that caused my eyes to not want to focus or stay open on Tuesday morning. While driving my son to school.  Trust me, this is not a pleasant experience and I've never found anything that works to "fix" that particular situation.  Since I had a lab appointment for bloodwork that morning, I headed to the lab to wait the half an hour for my appointment time.  And fell asleep in the car while waiting.

Knowing from experience that I would just fall asleep in my office if I went in to work, I called in and headed home instead.  I made myself a cup of coffee, complete with my usual addition of a protein shake, and attempted to watch a little tv. No idea what since I ended up falling asleep in my chair for a couple of hours.  At which point, I went upstairs, read a chapter in my book, and then took another three hour nap.  Managed to stay awake long enough to have something to eat with my husband and son when they got home but by 9 pm my eyes were refusing to stay open any longer and I had to call it a night.

I've taken 4 pain pills since 7 am this morning.  I still hurt.  My neck hurts.  My arms ache.  My mid and lower back are throbbing.  My legs feel weighted down.  It feels like there are grains of something under my eyelids which make my eyes feel gritty.  I itch.  All over.  Scratching doesn't help.  I have no idea how I'll sleep since it could go either way. What will tomorrow bring? I don't have a freaking clue.  With any luck at all, it will be a bright sunny day and I'll be pain free and able to enjoy it and actually get something done.  Which would make a really nice change.

Mental fortitude

In trying to decide what to title this post, I've been thinking about this past week. I'm pretty sure that mental fortitude is something that I haven't had.  When I looked back, it feels like forever ago that I made that last post, after the Oscars.  It's hard to believe it's only been a week. On the plus side, my pain levels have been pretty much under control and I went several days with no additional pain medication. On the minus side, my son gave me his cold so I've felt like utter crud for several days. I guess it's a case of you win some, you lose some.

The most stressful part of the week was the follow up meeting on the "Interactvie Disability Process" with HR last week.  This included my boss, who initiated the whole thing.  I am pleased to report that I managed to make it through the meeting without falling apart or crying.  I did get rather upset, and actually managed to voice my feelings over what was upsetting me, as my boss was relaying her "perceptions" and "things I've observed or others have reported to me".  Basically, she was referring to all the time I missed work, especially in the fall as things were escalating and I was going through the process of being diagnosed.

Evidently, it inconviences others when I take sick leave, especially if there is a desk shift or workshop to cover.  According to her, it got so the feeling was just to expect me to not be there and to have to cover for me.  I took exception to this and said it felt like I was being penalized for taking sick leave. Right or wrong, it felt - and still feels - exactly like that.  Especially as I am not the only one to every have to have a desk shift or workshop covered due to absence.  Now, how much of this is actually coming from my coworkers is a big question.  My guess is it was coming from the department chair. I have to admit, it feels like my whole relationshiop with her has changed.  I used to think that we got along well but I can definitely sense a change in her attitude towards me. As if everything I say or do is being questioned.

In any case, other than getting upset at that one point, I held it together during the meeting.  I spent a half an hour crying once I got back to my office as the stress caught up to me and the adrenaline left. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. Still, that meeting is over and now we move forward. The one thing that they can move on before medical documentation from my doctor is a new chair for my office. The HR person was going to try to set up an ergonomic evaluation for this coming week. In an effort to prove that she really is on my side, my boss recommended that this evaluation not only look at my office but at the Information Desk, where I spend several hours a week.  She's actually wanting to purchase two chairs, one for my office and one for when I'm at Info.

I should be receiving a medical questionnaire from HR next week for my doctor to fill out. This will serve as the basis for any accommodations I either request or that they feel would be beneficial. Luckily, I have an appointment with my doctor already scheduled for March 10 so this just goes on the list of things I have to discuss with her. I've actually started a list so that I don't forget any of the biggies: asking for   a measles booster (to protect my new great-nephew whom I'm visiting next month), getting info on the shingles vaccine (seems like it's everywhere these days and that's the last thing I need to deal with), discussing my pain meds, and letting her know about my sister's cancer diagnosis.

I shipped off the first three hats I made for my sister this week and she loves them.  She told me today that her hair starting falling out today, exactly on schedule. I finished two more hats this weekend and started a third today. If nothing else, she'll have a variety of head coverings to choose from until her hair grows back.  Unfortunately, she's unable to see her granddaughter for the time being because the chemo has lowered her white cell count to dangerously low levels.  She's been having to undergo daily shots in order to try to boost them back up.  She gets bloodwork done again tomorrow so I'm praying that they've gone up. She has another week and a half before her next round of chemo and it would be nice if something went her way.

Further proving my lack of mental fortitude and falling into the category of proving what a bad mother I am is the fact that I missed my son's drumline competition performance last night. Not that I wasn't there, mind you.  I was.  I was in the car parked on the street in front of the school where the competition was held. But after making one trip from the car into the school, to find a bathroom and locate where the performances were actually held (a trip that felt like I walked for at least a mile and a half there and back), I was exhausted and my sinuses were killing me.  Not to mention that just the sound levels from outside the performance building were overwhelming.  I just couldn't imagine the lights and the noise inside during the performances.  I could't deal with it.  My son claims that it's fine but I know it's not.  Not only do I feel incredibly guilty but I know that that's a performance I can never get back.  I should have sucked it up, gritted through, and been there.

So there you have it.  I lack mental fortitude and I'm a crappy mother. Tomorrow it's back to work and just the thought of it is exhausting. Once again, I lament that I am not independently wealthy and must, in fact, work for a living in order to actually pay our bills. I was hoping Publisher's Clearninghouse would come knocking on our door on Friday but they failed to come through once again. Maybe with their next giveaway...