In trying to decide what to title this post, I've been thinking about this past week. I'm pretty sure that mental fortitude is something that I haven't had. When I looked back, it feels like forever ago that I made that last post, after the Oscars. It's hard to believe it's only been a week. On the plus side, my pain levels have been pretty much under control and I went several days with no additional pain medication. On the minus side, my son gave me his cold so I've felt like utter crud for several days. I guess it's a case of you win some, you lose some.
The most stressful part of the week was the follow up meeting on the "Interactvie Disability Process" with HR last week. This included my boss, who initiated the whole thing. I am pleased to report that I managed to make it through the meeting without falling apart or crying. I did get rather upset, and actually managed to voice my feelings over what was upsetting me, as my boss was relaying her "perceptions" and "things I've observed or others have reported to me". Basically, she was referring to all the time I missed work, especially in the fall as things were escalating and I was going through the process of being diagnosed.
Evidently, it inconviences others when I take sick leave, especially if there is a desk shift or workshop to cover. According to her, it got so the feeling was just to expect me to not be there and to have to cover for me. I took exception to this and said it felt like I was being penalized for taking sick leave. Right or wrong, it felt - and still feels - exactly like that. Especially as I am not the only one to every have to have a desk shift or workshop covered due to absence. Now, how much of this is actually coming from my coworkers is a big question. My guess is it was coming from the department chair. I have to admit, it feels like my whole relationshiop with her has changed. I used to think that we got along well but I can definitely sense a change in her attitude towards me. As if everything I say or do is being questioned.
In any case, other than getting upset at that one point, I held it together during the meeting. I spent a half an hour crying once I got back to my office as the stress caught up to me and the adrenaline left. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. Still, that meeting is over and now we move forward. The one thing that they can move on before medical documentation from my doctor is a new chair for my office. The HR person was going to try to set up an ergonomic evaluation for this coming week. In an effort to prove that she really is on my side, my boss recommended that this evaluation not only look at my office but at the Information Desk, where I spend several hours a week. She's actually wanting to purchase two chairs, one for my office and one for when I'm at Info.
I should be receiving a medical questionnaire from HR next week for my doctor to fill out. This will serve as the basis for any accommodations I either request or that they feel would be beneficial. Luckily, I have an appointment with my doctor already scheduled for March 10 so this just goes on the list of things I have to discuss with her. I've actually started a list so that I don't forget any of the biggies: asking for a measles booster (to protect my new great-nephew whom I'm visiting next month), getting info on the shingles vaccine (seems like it's everywhere these days and that's the last thing I need to deal with), discussing my pain meds, and letting her know about my sister's cancer diagnosis.
I shipped off the first three hats I made for my sister this week and she loves them. She told me today that her hair starting falling out today, exactly on schedule. I finished two more hats this weekend and started a third today. If nothing else, she'll have a variety of head coverings to choose from until her hair grows back. Unfortunately, she's unable to see her granddaughter for the time being because the chemo has lowered her white cell count to dangerously low levels. She's been having to undergo daily shots in order to try to boost them back up. She gets bloodwork done again tomorrow so I'm praying that they've gone up. She has another week and a half before her next round of chemo and it would be nice if something went her way.
Further proving my lack of mental fortitude and falling into the category of proving what a bad mother I am is the fact that I missed my son's drumline competition performance last night. Not that I wasn't there, mind you. I was. I was in the car parked on the street in front of the school where the competition was held. But after making one trip from the car into the school, to find a bathroom and locate where the performances were actually held (a trip that felt like I walked for at least a mile and a half there and back), I was exhausted and my sinuses were killing me. Not to mention that just the sound levels from outside the performance building were overwhelming. I just couldn't imagine the lights and the noise inside during the performances. I could't deal with it. My son claims that it's fine but I know it's not. Not only do I feel incredibly guilty but I know that that's a performance I can never get back. I should have sucked it up, gritted through, and been there.
So there you have it. I lack mental fortitude and I'm a crappy mother. Tomorrow it's back to work and just the thought of it is exhausting. Once again, I lament that I am not independently wealthy and must, in fact, work for a living in order to actually pay our bills. I was hoping Publisher's Clearninghouse would come knocking on our door on Friday but they failed to come through once again. Maybe with their next giveaway...
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